borderline personality disorder

Afraid of everything

BPD and fear

Living with BPD is exhausting It is a persistent and debilitating illness characterized by deep emotional pain and instability in many areas of the sufferer’s life. I personally am in a constant state of fear and to be honest it is wearingfear me down. Borderlines are thought to have longer, deeper and more extreme emotional reactions to situations than normal people and sufferers are often unable to comfort themselves, gain reassurance from others or see past a time of extreme emotion. They imagine impending catastrophe almost all the time and can become terrified of things as simple as the post arriving or the phone ringing in case it bring horror or doom.

nevergroupAll of this emotion is backed by a very real fear of abandonment. A person with borderline personality disorder will spend the majority of their time worrying about being abandoned by those they most love and being left to cope with all this turmoil in isolation.

 

“More severe than separation anxiety, abandonment fears occur when a person with borderline personality disorder perceives an upcoming separation, rejection or loss of routine and reacts with intense changes in self-image, manner, thought processes, and behavior. Efforts to avoid abandonment may include self-injury or even attempted suicide.”(Read more)

It’s hard to describe the lack of hope I feel sometimes. Rather than boredom or suffering, this feeling of emptiness is thought to be closely related to loneliness and a lack of self-identity. I feel aimless and lost and not quite adequate at anything at all. People scare me. Being alone scares me. I am afraid of life, death, my dreams and thoughts and particularly afraid of my moods and emotions.

Every part of my daily life terrifies me and I expend so much energy trying to escape from myself and what is going on in my mixed up head. Most of the time I have absolutely no idea who I am and just try as hard as I can to be who I think I am supposed to be and then worrying myself sick because I know I so rarely get it right.