I don’t know why I do it

I tried to kill myself last Sunday.

I took a massive overdose after a blazing row with my husband. I was convinced he would leave me and could see no way that things could turn out or visualise any way of making things right.

All the imagined devastation of my life ran through my mind like an express train than only ran faster and faster and seemed destined to crash with calamitous results for all those around me.

As morning came, (my husband still slept on the sofa downstairs following the vile abuse I had hurled at him the previous evening.) I tried to stand and could not. The room spun, I shook and my limbs felt like jelly. I sent my key worker a message and he called immediately. He arranged an ambulance and I was ‘blue-lighted’ to my local A and E department.

The palaver that followed with police, doctors my own mental health team I will not bore you with but , suffice to say I came within an inch of my life of being sectioned!

It is now Thursday and all is calm again except inside I am lost, afraid, confused, ashamed and a little more hopeless than ever.

Facing being sectioned

I faced being sectioned after my overdose. The current status is that I will be admitted voluntarily should I feel I am not coping at any stage. My DBT therapist has been very patient and understanding. It can feel very difficult to cope with the need for admission to hospital these days. It feels like either all or nothing. You are either hauled in kicking and screaming by the police or fighting to find a bed.

I am lucky to be currently in the care of a specialist team with knowledge of BPD.

Trying to Restore Stability

After a crisis it can feel as if there is no safety anywhere and any kind of stability can seem impossible to grab hold of. I find all I can do is try as best I can to re-establish a routine and find the things in life I enjoy and focus on the positive and try not to ‘beat myself up’ over having been in crisis yet again.