What does it actually mean to be a sufferer of BPD?
As someone who has had the condition since my early teens, maybe I know better than most what it is like to live with BPD. The hardest thing for me is dealing with the rapidly fluctuating moods. I can hear people saying, ‘everyone’s moods fluctuate’. The only way I can describe it is that I can go from feeling bright and cheerful to feeling that I have no reason to continue living in the time it takes a camera shutter to open and close and without any provoking event or reason. This makes me very fearful of committing myself to social events, planning outings and often even leaving my home. I don’t like meeting people and I am constantly afraid of being plunged into a dark depression which can be paralysing and often completely robs me of the ability to speak. I can, for no apparent reason begin to weep uncontrollably which can be embarrassing. I also experience bouts of uncontrollable rage, disassociation and fear that I struggle to explain and communicate.
My methods of communication over the years have tended to be non-verbal. I self-harm, have a long history of anorexia and am a recovering alcoholic.
Relationships have been tumultuous and I have spent much of my adult life in hospital or attending hospital on a daily basis.
I believe I have made progress but I still have times of crisis.
Currently I am in a relationship and working very hard on making that work. He is a good and patient man which helps. I still receive support from my local mental health team and require 2-3 trips to A and E a year but I no longer drink alcohol and I am maintaining a normal weight. (Although I still believe I am grossly fat!)
I fear abandonment, homelessness, cruelty and many other things and worry about things like this every day but I try as hard as I can to live in the moment and not spoil it by obsessing about all the terrible things that may befall me.
I remind myself that I have made it this far which is a miracle in itself and I must be grateful for the good things in my life like my partner, my home, my animals and the fact that I have survived cancer.
In many ways I am a very lucky woman!
borderline personality disorder 